I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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