on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
