It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
