Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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