1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
