I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
