i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
