Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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