there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Randomize
