She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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