I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
