Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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