every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
