Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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