You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
