yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
