Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
