you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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