You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
May the power of my ass compel you!!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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