Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Who died my cat blue again?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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