On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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