____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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