We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
