if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
my being single is dangerous.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
