watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
