Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
