I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
