I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
