I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
