I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just gift wrapped bread.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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