I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
