Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
