I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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