I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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