i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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