my phone needs a breathalizer
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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