walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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