Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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