When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
love makes seman taste better
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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