Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize