I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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