you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
