god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
