If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
