why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
