I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
