I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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