someone get that fucking seahorse.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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