Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
