come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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