How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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