girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
