I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
