I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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