I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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