My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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