even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
