Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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